picture book and middle-grade author
I cannot pretend I am without fear. But my predominant feeling is one of gratitude. I have loved and been loved; I have been given much and I have given something in return; I have read and travelled and thought and written. I have had an intercourse with the world, the special intercourse of writers and readers. Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure.
— Oliver Sacks
This first ran in two years ago as I was working on edits for Miraculous. It’s a glimpse into the whole messy process with some wise, wise words from a friend. It feels relevant now (and every writing day)…
Nine and a half weeks, almost 235 hours of work, and first-round edits are done!
During the last few months overhauling my book (I think 60% or so of the story is new), I had fabulous days, I had terrible days, and I had plenty of days with nose-to-the-grindstone satisfaction. It is so good to return to a book world I love. No part of the writing process is better than revision!
I try to be real here about the writing life, and with that in mind, I wanted to share an email I sent to my dear friend, Valerie Geary, after a very hard day.* Val’s response was incredibly encouraging and got me moving again. I read it over and over during my last weeks of revision. It left me believing I could keep on with the hard, steady, wonderful, mysterious work that is turning a vague collection of ideas into a bonafide book. If you ever feel creatively stuck or overwhelmed, I hope it might encourage you, too.
First, here’s my email:
I debated sending this because I’m feeling like a whiner. But I want to put out there where I am. OH, man. Today was hard. And I thought I’d really get in there and have fun! I thought with some tweaks I could knock out two chapters. Nope. I ended up with a really, really shaky placeholder sort of thing for one of them. It’s probably not even taking the story in the right direction. It will probably need to stand for now, too, because when will I have time to fix it? I have a feeling the rest of this time will probably look more like today than earlier days as I push through the fog. I feel shy and vulnerable and all my shame bells are ringing. I’m a fraud with a deadline. AHHH!
I think one of the hardest parts of writing for me is not to get my worth wrapped up in it. Because it gets pretty demoralizing when the stakes increase (deadline) and I flail around and panic and draw a blankity blankity blank.
But I’ll show up tomorrow and try again. I know this isn’t my only shot (thank goodness). I can’t have the same approach as I’ve had today, though. It’s not sustainable. It’s not enjoyable. It doesn’t support creativity! I took breaks. I exercised. I got outside. I even parked in the library parking lot to work for a few hours (a favorite getaway of mine and somewhere I haven’t gone for months). The stress stayed pretty high, though. It’s the deadline! I hear the clock ticking. It’s hard to relax into the work when I feel like time is slipping away and I’m producing stilted stuff that doesn’t quite fit the story and has no heart. It’s kind of terrifying.
I’m trying to see these struggles as curious. But honestly, I’m approaching overwhelmed.
Thanks for listening. Onward. Bird by bird. Fresh fresh fresh start tomorrow.
Here’s Val’s response:
You are not a whiner. And I’m glad you sent it because the last thing you need to feel right now as you work so hard on this book you love is alone. You are a hardworking writer writing on a deadline [during a really challenging year]. That is a lot to handle on its own, yet here you are, coming to the page every day anyway and getting to work. Because this work matters to you.
I hear grit and determination in your words here. I hear strength and courage. Not panic, not failure. A struggle, perhaps, but one you are capable of overcoming. I hear you digging in your heels, ready to do what you need to do to make this book the best you can make it in the time you’ve been given. Because that’s all you can do. You will get through this and it might not be fun and probably you’ll cry more than you want to, but in the end, you will have nothing at all to be ashamed of. You will have a book you can be proud of because you gave it everything you had to give. You are a warrior with a deadline. And your vulnerabilities are what make you the perfect writer for this book (and ALL your books). Fresh start tomorrow. You’ve got this!!
*During edits, I sent almost-daily reports to Val as a way to keep track of my progress (and so I could get some writerly cheerleading).
***
It’s been fun over the years to see authors I’ve hosted on the blog go on to win at the American Library Association’s Youth Media Awards. (These awards are the Oscars of children’s literature.)
A heartfelt congratulations to Natalie Lloyd and her book Hummingbird, which won a Schneider Honor (awarded annually “for a book that embodies an artistic expression of the disability experience for child and adolescent audiences”). Read our Hummingbird interview here.
And a double shout out to Amina Luqman-Dawson, whose Freewater won ALA’s Coretta Scott King Award (“given annually to outstanding African American authors and illustrators of books for children and young adults that demonstrate an appreciation of African American culture and universal human values”) and the Newbery Award (“awarded annually…to the author of the most distinguished contribution to American literature for children.”) WOW! Look for an interview with Amina about writing historical fiction this June.
If you’re a reader and you watched the awards live (or read through the winners later), I hope your TBR list has grown (as mine has). If you’re an author or illustrator and were hopeful you might have been recognized (and weren’t), read this.